Eilati
04-08-2004, 02:00 PM
A couple of funnies and then the point of the post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This will aid all of you in translating books written by Southerners
Deep Thoughts
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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The Police
A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- eyes wide open and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding.
But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she says.
"No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer says.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Southernisms
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin')
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
This will aid all of you in translating books written by Southerners
Deep Thoughts
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
The Police
A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- eyes wide open and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding.
But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she says.
"No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer says.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
Southernisms
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin')
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.