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Meower
10-04-2006, 11:22 AM
....

Meower
10-04-2006, 12:11 PM
....

Manitoulin
10-04-2006, 12:18 PM
A lot worse out there...

Sandy G
10-04-2006, 03:35 PM
Yeah, but oh-so-true...I tell ya, I got it rough with women...Rough, I tell ya ! Why, when I was a baby, I was breast-fed by my father. My mother said she liked me as a friend...My Uncle's dying wish was to have me on his knee..He was in the electric chair....

kcollins4
10-04-2006, 03:59 PM
I liked it. It's worth a re-tell or two. :yes:

Gerrit
10-05-2006, 02:37 AM
"My mother said she liked me as a friend"

Unca S, you crack me up :D :D

2DualsNotEnough
10-05-2006, 03:06 AM
Yeah, but oh-so-true...I tell ya, I got it rough with women...Rough, I tell ya ! Why, when I was a baby, I was breast-fed by my father. My mother said she liked me as a friend...My Uncle's dying wish was to have me on his knee..He was in the electric chair....
Wasnt ole Rodney the best?"Steak and sex,my favorite pair.I get both the same way,very rare!"
Jimmy

Filmboydoug
10-05-2006, 07:45 AM
I went to the dentist. I told him "Hey Doc, my teeth are yellow." He said "Wear a brown necktie."

Meower
02-09-2007, 02:30 PM
Subject: Sick Day

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

You're going 2 love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

mulester7
02-09-2007, 02:50 PM
.....then there was the blonde who broke her leg raking leaves.....(somebody finish it).....

Meower
02-09-2007, 03:00 PM
I feel a bombardment of blonde jokes coming...lol! It's cool...I rather enjoy them!:yes: :D

junkaudio
02-09-2007, 03:09 PM
got a nasty one
why is a blonde like a turtle?
because they are both fucked when lying on their back

NeedForSpeed
02-09-2007, 04:27 PM
I feel a bombardment of blonde jokes coming...lol! It's cool...I rather enjoy them!:yes: :D

Ok, here goes;

Three blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a bl." He thought a moment and then asked her "What's a bl?" She replied, "Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite." He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine a ml." He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ml?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the third one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a 15." He said, "Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7-7."

JerryM
02-09-2007, 04:50 PM
"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

"I was such an ugly kid, I once stuck my face out the schoolbus window and got arrested for mooning."

"A beautiful woman once stopped me on the street. She said, "I want you for my husband." I said, "Now what would your husband want with me?'"

"My wife likes to talk dirty to me during sex. Last night, she called me from a hotel."

Sandy G
02-09-2007, 05:06 PM
"I went to a tough school as a kid, a tough school, I'll tell ya...In English class the teacher asked, "What comes after a sentence ?" One kid piped up, "Ya make an appeal..." Tough school, I tell ya, tough school...(Tugs at his tie...) In science class the teacher aked one kid to demonstrate the law of gravity...The kid tossed him outta da window...tough school..."

jaymanaa
02-09-2007, 05:18 PM
I get no respect I tell ya, the other day the kids were gettin on my nerves. I told them "that's ok, you'll have kids of your own someday". They said "yeh, you might too".......... no respect I tell ya.

TWantiques
02-09-2007, 05:30 PM
What's the first thing a blond does after a bad auto accident?

Call 911? Get a safe distance from the car and other traffic? No

Get out the hair brush!

Terry

herbman1975
02-09-2007, 05:33 PM
Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted.

mulester7
02-09-2007, 08:01 PM
.....a set of jumper-cables walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink....the bartender says, "ok, I'll serve you, but don't start anything"......

thedelihaus
02-09-2007, 08:11 PM
I told my father I wanted'a watch for my birthday. He let me!

pioneer54
02-09-2007, 09:06 PM
rodney "doctor, everybody hates me"
doctor "don't be rediculous, everybody hasn't met you yet"

alexkerhead
02-09-2007, 09:15 PM
Why are bees sticky?

The use a honey comb.

Meower
02-10-2007, 01:28 PM
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

alexkerhead
02-10-2007, 03:36 PM
:lmao:

mulester7
02-10-2007, 10:29 PM
A cocky government inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said, "I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard screams and saw the Inspector running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the Inspector at every step.

The old farmer YELLED, "HEY, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!"

Charles
02-11-2007, 12:18 AM
Wife didn't know I drank until I came home sober.

Q: Do you know what German's use to make kraut?

A: Cabbage.

This is a bit funnier if you ask someone the question.

Charles

Charles
02-11-2007, 12:33 AM
Almost forgot.

We were so poor my mamma used to cut a hole in my pocket so's I'd have something to play with on Christmas.

We'll not discuss what Little Johnny did at show & tell.

Charles

sump pump
02-11-2007, 12:42 AM
What do you call a blonde standing on her head ?


................a Brunette with bad breath :D

SAE2922
02-11-2007, 01:12 AM
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, I've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Irving?"


A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get you?"
Skeleton answers "Bring me a pitcher of beer and a mop."


Well, I liked them..... :stupid:

SAE2922
02-11-2007, 01:45 AM
A guy goes into a restaurant where on the menu it declares "Breakfast at any time."

The guy tells the waitress, when she takes his food order, "I'll take waffles.....during the Renaissance."



Same here..... :stupid:

SAE2922
02-11-2007, 02:14 AM
A guy walks up to the front door of a store. On the door window hangs a banner that reads "Open 24 Hours".

He attempts to enter but the door is locked. Through the door window he complains, to a clerk inside, "Your sign states that you are open 24 hours."

The clerk retorts "NOT in a row!"


:stupid:

God bless Steven Wright

2DualsNotEnough
02-11-2007, 03:39 AM
A guy walks up to the front door of a store. On the door window hangs a banner that reads "Open 24 Hours".

He attempts to enter but the door is locked. Through the door window he complains, to a clerk inside, "Your sign states that you are open 24 hours."

The clerk retorts "NOT in a row!"


:stupid:

God bless Steven Wright

That always reminds me of that scene in "Easy Money" with Rodney Dangerfield and Joe Pesci where they are desperately drunk and looking for something to eat,and the restaurant closes right as they walk up,and the sign says "Open 23 Hours".
Jimmy

Andyman
02-11-2007, 07:12 AM
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

bolly
02-11-2007, 07:50 AM
A lone fella walks into a bar, sits down and orders himself a drink. While he's waiting, a couple regulars notice this guy and one of them says "watch me make a fool out of that schmuck". He gets up, walks across the bar, looks straight at the guy and asks him if he's seen Ben. The schmuck says, "Ben who"? The guy says, "bend over and kiss my ass", laughs at him, walks back to his table and carrys on laughin with his friends. A couple minutes go by and a different guy in the same group says, "I wonder if we can get that schmuck to fall for the same joke twice?". He stands up, walks over to the guy, and asks, "hey schmuck, have you seen Ben?" The schmuck says, "Ben who?" The guy says, "bend over and kiss my ass", laughs at him, walks back to his table and carrys on laughin with his friends. A couple more minutes go by, the schmuck's drinkin his drink, when a friend of his walks into the bar. As soon as the new guy sees him he goes over and notices right off the bat somethin is bothering him. The guy asks his friend, "whats wrong? what's bothering you? you look depressed". The schmuck says, "yeah, I'm depressed alright". "You see those guys sittin over there in the corner?" "Every so often one of them comes over and asks me if I've seen Ben?" "When I ask Ben who", "they say bend over and kiss my ass". The schmucks friend thinks for a minute and asks if he wants to get even with them, then this is what he has to do. "Go over there, ask them if they've seen Eileen, when one of them asks Eileen who, you say I lean over and you kiss my ass!!". The schmuck trys to build his courage by chugging his drink, finally stands up, walks straight over to the group of guys and asks, "hey you guys, anyone of you guys seen Eileen?" One of them says, "yeah, I seen Eileen, she's with Ben" The schmuck said, "Ben who?"

Gerrit
02-12-2007, 12:53 AM
Garth goes to the doctor, but is embarrassed about talking to the doctor,
he's afraid he will laugh at him.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Garth said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been size
of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and
then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor "I really am.....I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it
won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Garth replied "It's swollen."

SolderIron
02-12-2007, 02:14 PM
I can see how that can be a problem.

mulester7
02-12-2007, 03:20 PM
.....little Johnny sat on the concrete curb one afternoon, turning his glass bottle of light-brown turpentine upside-down and back, watching the bubbles rise....the local Priest, Father O'Malley, approached down the sidewalk and recognized Johnny, one of his alter-boys, immediately.....

...."Johnny", said Father O'Malley, "what's that in the bottle?".....

....looking over his left shoulder with a sun-grin, Johnny said, "Father O'Malley, this is probably the most powerful liquid in the World".....

...."Oh No!", said the Blessed Father, "Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in this World"...."Son, you can rub Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, and she will pass a healthy baby"....

.....Johnny thought a second, looked back over his shoulder and said, "Father, let me tell ya', you splash some of this turpentine on a tomcat's butt, and he'll pass a Harley Davidson".....

mulester7
02-12-2007, 03:43 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "Mithter, I weally don't think my python gives a thit."

SAE2922
02-12-2007, 11:47 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "Mithter, I weally don't think my python gives a thit."

:D :lmao: As I mop my freshly spewed refreshment off my PC monitor!

LDK180
02-13-2007, 10:57 AM
What were the three worst years of George Bush's life?


















The first grade

Andyman
02-13-2007, 07:21 PM
This one may be a little too close to home..............


A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Dr. to discuss the problem. The Dr. told him there was a simple informal test the husband could do, to give the Dr. a better idea about her hearing loss.

The Dr. said ...."Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational voice see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response."

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was in the den. He decides he's about 40 feet away.
In a normal tone he asks ...."Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

He moves to within 30 feet. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he's about 20 feet from his wife ..."Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

He walks to the kitchen door, about 10 feet, and asks. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

He walks into the kitchen and stands right behind her ....
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this ....)

"Earl, for the 5th. time, CHICKEN !"

Sandy G
02-13-2007, 07:59 PM
This ain't exactly a joke, so much as a friendly word of advice: If you & a bud are sitting in his apartment, taking shots off a Whiskey bottle, & you collectively get the Bright Idea to call the American Embassy in Moscow to see if they would please please PLEASE copyright a Johnny F*ckerfaster joke for you in the then Soviet Union, DON'T do it. The Embassy Staff are NOT likely to be amused at this request, they will probably tell their buds at the NSA or CIA who will NOT be very amused at it either, & will want to know why you were wasting the Embassy Staff's valuable time. Don't ask me how I know all this, if I told you, I'd have to kill every one of you, & I really don't need that kind of hassle anymore...

BruceRPA
02-13-2007, 08:28 PM
A Sweet Little Girl

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door as the newest home in the neighborhood was being built. She started talking with the workers and told them that she wanted to be a housebuilder when she grew up too. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless sons-a-b*itc#hes at the lumber yard ever bring us any godda*n drywall that’s worth a sh!t," replied the little girl.

BruceRPA
02-13-2007, 08:35 PM
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
"It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a
raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"
stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!!!!!

mulester7
02-13-2007, 08:49 PM
.....one evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for....the next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.....she seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair....two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up....again she seems OK, but after a while starts to tilt to the other side....the nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright....this goes on all morning....later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home...."So Ma, how is it here?"...."are they treating you all right?", they ask...."it's pretty nice," she replies...."but they won't let you fart"......

mulester7
02-13-2007, 08:53 PM
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'LL FIRE!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE HIM MAD!!"

But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a HUGE explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed on a sand-doon, unconscious.

When they finally came to, the one who fired, turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "well, if there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that any guy who can wrap his meat around himself twice, then stick it in his ear, is someone you best not screw with......

mulester7
02-14-2007, 02:38 PM
.....fully documented and endorsed by the American Medical Association-Psychiatric Division....attending physician-Dr. H. Kirtley...."The Dolphin Stress Test"....

.....read the instructions slowly and absorb them fully for best results....even the silly little boat is there for reasons and should be observed carefully....


.... http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress/ ....

mulester7
02-14-2007, 10:51 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, lookin' like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?", asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a big fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Conner!," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had in his hand, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Gerrit
02-15-2007, 04:47 AM
Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

“You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with
both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m 60
next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So,” says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”

“The point is, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m going to get.”

Markw
02-15-2007, 08:10 AM
A Chinese gentleman walks into a bank to exchange a stack of yuan. He gives it to the teller who then counts out three hundred American Dollars.

The man counts the money and says “Hey. You cheat me. Last week I come bring in same amount of yuan and I get four hundred dollar. Why you do this?

The teller looks at the guy and says, politely “fluctuations”.

The Chinese guy scowls and says in, an confused “What you say?”

The teller looks at the guy and repeats, still politely “Fluctuations. I said fluctuations”.

The Chinese guy, now visibly preturbed says, in a confrontational tone "Huh?"

The teller replies, this time a little irritated “FLUCTUATIONS! I SAID FLUCTUATIONS!”

The Chinese guy, now really angry says “OH YEAH? WELL FLUCK YOU TOO, RITE BOY!”

rickr15
02-15-2007, 08:15 AM
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

mulester7
02-15-2007, 06:55 PM
A big old redneck from Arkansas walked into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

What are you so happy about?" asked the bartender.

"OK, I'll tell you," he replied. "You know I live down by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the movies. Of course I went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night long, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!", exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky slob, was she pretty?"

"Dunno....never found her head."

Yamaha B-2
02-16-2007, 03:38 PM
A Crabby Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "Well, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed W ilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

pmsummer
02-16-2007, 04:34 PM
A Regional Joke

Two Aggies are going to Big D for the State Fair of Texas. When they get about half way to Dallas from College Station, one of 'em says, "Let's stop in Mexia for some lunch." The other Aggie says, "Sounds good to me, but it's pronounced muh-hey-ya, not mex-ee-uh."

"Naw," says the first Aggie. "M-E-X-I-A, Mexia."

"Muheya!" replies the second Aggie, tartly. "Let's just ask the waitress in the restaurant. She'll tell you."

So they pull into town, and enter a restaurant. A friendly waitress takes their order, and just before she leaves, one of the Aggies asks her, "M'am? Pardon me for asking, but in a real, slow, distinct voice, could you tell us what you call this place?"

The waitress looks at them, scratches her head and says,

"Sure, Honey. Dayyyy-Reeeeee-Queeeeeen."

skippy_ps
02-16-2007, 04:46 PM
Continuing with Regional jokes:

How does an Aggie spell the word "farm?"

E-I-E-I-O

Murray

JerryM
02-16-2007, 04:55 PM
The outgoing department chairman at a large university was talking to the new chairman:

"I've prepared 3 envelopes for you. Marked 1, 2, and 3. You'll find them in the bottom desk drawer. If you begin to have any difficulties, open envelope 1. It contains something that will help you. If you have more problems, open envelope 2. And if you really get in trouble, open #3."

The new chairman thanked him, and went about his duties. But pretty soon, he started having some problems. He remembered the old chairman's advice, and opened envelope #1. It said: Blame your predecessor.

He followed the advice, and it helped him a lot. But soon, things began going bad again. He opened envelope #2. It read: Blame the administration.

This worked for a time, but after a while, things really started going downhill. Nothing he could do was helping. He decided he had no choice but to open # 3. It said: Prepare 3 envelopes.

mulester7
02-19-2007, 05:39 AM
Luther returned home to the farm on a one week furlough from the Marine's Parachute Jump School....with six months under his belt and only two more to go, his Daddy was mighty proud and wantin' to hear all about it.

Over breakfast with Mama listenin' from the stove, Paw said, "Luther, let's hear about what has gone on at Jump School"...."have you jumped?"

Looking down at his plate immediately, Luther says, "Well, Daddy, last week we went up for the first real parachute jump"...."at 10,000 foot in the air, the Drill Sergeant hollered for us to stand up and attach our parachute pull-lines"...."I was halfway in the line and Sarge yelled for us to start moving toward the open door and jump"...."when I got to the door, I froze and couldn't let go of the sides of the door"...."Sarge yelled at me to un-attach my pull-line and sit down"...."the rest of the guys jumped and it was just me and Sarge in the cargo-hold"...."Sarge smiled, looked at me, grabbed the front of his pants, and said, "Son, listen up, if you don't re-attach and jump, I'm gonna' break you over like a double-barreled shotgun, and put this where your sun don't shine."

Paw exhaled and straightened up in his chair, Mama turned around from the stove with her hand over her mouth, and Paw said, "Well, Luther, did you jump?"

Luther thought for a second and said, "Daddy, I ain't gonna' lie"...."I did a little right at first."

Meower
02-20-2007, 01:50 AM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect timing," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

LBPete
02-20-2007, 11:27 AM
Crude but funny.

- Pete

gearhead
02-20-2007, 11:30 AM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect timing," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Well, don't leave us hanging-what did she say? :D :D

pmsummer
02-20-2007, 12:44 PM
Lutheran Airlines – New Service in Meennesnowta
Consider Lutheran Air - the no-frills airline...

[Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Meennesnowta. Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it – you vill like it…]

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on
Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.

There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I vouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest with you, ve're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive those who sin against us, vich some people say trespass against us," vich isn't right, but vat can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere vith the plane's navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.

Ve're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style vith the coffee pot up front.

Then ve'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.”

mulester7
02-20-2007, 01:26 PM
.....little known fact....George W. Bush was actually turned down by the Navy for flight training after he identified Pensacola as a soft drink :stupid: .....

pmsummer
02-20-2007, 01:26 PM
Satan’s phone rings on his desk. He picks it up, “Hello. Prince of Darkness here.”

“Boss!” exclaims an excited demon on the other end, “You’ve got to come down to Receiving right now. Something special has happened! Church ladies!”

Demons aren’t known to be too excitable about who comes to spend All Eternity in a lake of fire, because there aren’t too many surprises down there. But Satan figures he better go check this out, because Church Ladies are pretty rare, and THREE at once is interesting.

Strolling into the Processing Room, Satan sees three upper-middle class looking women seated on a bench, nervously waiting while their paperwork is being processed. “Bad afternoon, ladies, may I personally unwelcome you to Hell. My name is Beelzebub.”

The ladies sob.

“So ladies, this is unusual. Just what brings three church ladies to Hell?”

One of the ladies speaks up, “Well, sir, we were all attending the convention of the National Association of Church Women in New York City, and while crossing a street together, we were all struck by a speeding cab and killed.”

Satan replied, “Well that’s nice, but I’m not concerned with the immediate cause of your arrival, but rather, with what it was you did to earn yourselves Ultimate Damnation?”

Through her tears, the first church lady said, “I don’t know why I’m here. I really don’t! I’m a Roman Catholic, and I go to Confession every Saturday, and to Mass every Sunday. But you see, I also support Planned Parenthood. Abortion is a mortal sin in my church, and as a supporter of Choice, maybe that’s why I’m here,” she sobbed.

“I suppose that could do it, but that seems a little harsh. What about YOU, madam?” he said, turning toward the second Church Lady.

“I don’t know why. I can’t imagine. I’m a Southern Baptist, and I sing in the choir, and I attend Sunday School every week, and I go to church twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. I can’t imagine why I’m here, except maybe it’s because I like to drink Margaritas when I go to the Casinos on vacation, and drinking and gambling are both sins in my church. Maybe that’s why I’m here,” she said, with tears flowing down her cheeks.

“Drinking and gambling on vacation?” replied Satan. “I don’t know. That seems awfully rigid of the Old Man, but I guess that could be why.”

He turned to the third woman, who was especially well dressed for a dead person. Before he could even open his foul mouth, she screamed out…

“I know why I’m here! I deserve this! I’m damned for good reason!” she cried.

Now Satan was interested. Finally, one of these ladies would have a juicy story of sin and depravation that he could use in his monthly sales meetings with the Field Staff. “So tell me, madam, tell me all about it.”

Fighting back her sobs, she blurted out her pitiful tale.

“I’m an Episcopalian. My mother and father are Episcopalians, as were their mothers and fathers, all the way back to Colonial times. We got a new Rector at St. Swithun’s, and he and his wife invited my husband and I over for dinner. It was a lovely, three-course meal, and just as everyone was looking at me while I explained the history of the St. Swithun’s Altar Guild, I picked up my dessert fork and took a bite of salad with it!”

mulester7
02-20-2007, 01:28 PM
.....yet another little known fact....the Clinton Library/Museum in Little Rock contains and displays a framed Weather Map from the U.S. Geophysical Survey tracking Bill's first Category Five orgasm.....

Grainger49
02-21-2007, 10:21 AM
I was going to start a "Worst Joke" thread, but this one will do. Yes, sent by a friend in an e-mail. Sorry if you have heard it before:

*BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...*

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

rickr15
02-21-2007, 04:29 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

mulester7
02-21-2007, 05:36 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant, and drove STRAIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE INFERNO.

Outside, the other firemen stared in disbelief as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and vengence never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking the Norwegian fire fighters, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell, I'll tell ya'," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da FURST thing vee gunna' do is fix da brakes on dat fooking truck!"

Grainger49
02-21-2007, 05:46 PM
. . . "Vell, I'll tell ya'," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da FURST thing vee gunna' do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"

Jerry Clower and Lewis Grizzard both told the same story. And claimed it happened to them!

mulester7
02-21-2007, 06:17 PM
Jerry Clower and Lewis Grizzard both told the same story. And claimed it happened to them!.....who knows, Grainger, it may have....my ex-Father-in-Law knew Jerry Clower well, and were in each others' homes many times....Jerry and he were salesmen together for Mississippi Chemical in the late '50s, early '60s....Jerry started doing comedy on the side, and soon had to quit selling fertilizer to make all the bookings his new agent lined up for him.....

mulester7
02-24-2007, 05:12 PM
John sees his good friend Ben coming in the side door at work a few minutes late. Ben has his arm in a sling against his body, is walking slowly bent-over, and is groaning with every small step.

Hurrying to Ben's side, John said, "Good Grief, Ben, what in the World happened to you?"

Still groaning Ben says, "John, I had three wild women comin' over last night, and I took a triple load of that new sex drug Viagra."

John says, "ok, but what happened to your arm?"

Ben groans, "they didn't show up."

Sandy G
02-24-2007, 09:01 PM
Think I've told this one before, but it's pretty cute, so here goes...This guy goes into this bar, in the back sit George Bush & Tony Blair. He asked the bartender-"Are they who I think they are ?!?" "Yep, go back there & talk to 'em if you wanna." The guy goes back there, introduces himself, asks if he can sit down & talk to 'em. Sure, sez George. "So what you guys doin'? asks the guy. "We're plannin' another war where we gonna kill 150 million Muslims an' a Blonde with Big Tits," sez George. "A Blonde with Big Tits ?!? Why you wanna do THAT ???" asks the guy incredulously. With that, Bush smacks Blair-"See, Tony, I tolja nobody's gonna care about th' 150 million Muslims..."

mulester7
02-26-2007, 04:15 PM
? HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
?
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
?
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
?
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
?
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
?
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich, of course.
-- Pam, age 7
?
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
?
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
?
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
?
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
?
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit
her.
-- Ricky, age 10

LBPete
02-27-2007, 01:36 AM
A man is traveling in Spain. One evening he goes to a restaurant and while looking at the menu a waiter walks by carrying a spectacular plate of food. The man says to the waiter, “Wow, what is that dish?”

The waiter says: “Oh Señor, that is the specialty of the house, Huevos De Toro! The eggs of the bull. What you Americans call Rocky Mountain Oysters.”

“Fantastic, I’ll have what he’s having.”

“Oh, Señor, I’m sorry but we can only serve Huevos Del Toro after the bull fight. The bull must die so we can have his huevos and we have a waiting list for many weeks.

“Well put me on the list!” Several weeks go by and the man returns to the restaurant on the designated night. The wait has made his hunger for this exotic dish that much more intense. Finally the waiter sets the plate in front of him.

“Waiter,” he says looking at the dish. “Something’s not right. These huevos are tiny.”

“Oh Señor, sometimes the bull, he wins.”

- Pete

Meower
02-27-2007, 03:33 PM
This isn't nice but ,you gotta laugh!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up
his rear while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

pmsummer
02-27-2007, 03:37 PM
This isn't nice but ,you gotta laugh!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

I've participated in that study.

rickr15
02-27-2007, 04:27 PM
A rancher named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had jus loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear 'ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now, what the hell would you say?"

mulester7
02-27-2007, 05:28 PM
However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear while he is on fire......so you knew my ex?.....

Meower
02-27-2007, 06:07 PM
.....so you knew my ex?.....

Lol...I thought some of you might be able to identify with that joke! Lucky for me (and especially lucky for my guy), I'm not cursed with that "syndrome"! :)
I hear it can be hell....

LBPete
02-28-2007, 01:34 AM
I'm not cursed with that "syndrome"! Funny, that's what several of the women in the said.

- Pete

mulester7
02-28-2007, 02:35 AM
.....this is a little long, but IMO very funny....and, it evidently happened.....

Deer Roping - Anonymous

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it Took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it! As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it.

I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, "There's the poor bastard that tried to rope the deer!"

mulester7
02-28-2007, 12:38 PM
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young punk gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the young gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."


A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're going' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.


When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and, with a smirk on his face, turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making an ominous double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got very quiet.


The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.


The old man asked, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule right square in the middle of his asshole?"


The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir, I can't say that I have, but come to think of it, I guess I've always wanted to."

Meower
02-28-2007, 01:18 PM
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY

S tarted my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO - What a Ride"!

Party on Dude!

onepixel
02-28-2007, 01:54 PM
Pretty good one Meower!

:D

Grainger49
03-06-2007, 03:31 PM
??????? I got deleted?

Was there a ban on political? It wasn't it was a statement!

LBPete
03-07-2007, 02:26 AM
Did you hear that Swedish surgeons have perfected the sex change operation for Woman? The procedure is called an Adadictame.

- Pete

Yamaha B-2
03-09-2007, 02:34 PM
First time sex.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

2DualsNotEnough
03-19-2007, 02:35 PM
After seeing Chris Rock's bad film "I think I Love My Wife",I thought Id post some of the wit and wisdom of Chris Rock from his stand up routines.

Every town has two malls-The one white people go to,and the one white people USED to go to.

Michael Jackson got caught with another kid-ANOTHER kid!Thats how much we all loved Michael Jackson.We let the first kid slide.

After Columbine,everyone wanted to know what the kids were watching and listening to.Whatever ever happened to "crazy"?Im sure they didnt ask Hitler what he had in his cd case.

Black people always say that the negative portrayl of blacks is because of the media.The media isnt the reason I have to carry in my new flat screen tv into the house at 3 in the morning.When Im at the ATM at night,Im not looking over my shoulder for Dan Rather.

Pharmacutical companies dont cure diseases anymore.They create drugs that make it so you can live with it.They are like drug dealers.They get you on the comeback.

Political commentary has always been Chris Rock's strong suit.If these jokes are too flame inducing,Ill understand if the mods have to wipe it out.I just wanted to show how funny he could be after that lousy movie.
Jimmy

slow_jazz
03-20-2007, 12:01 PM
Nice uplifting story:

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently
as
he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

6thumbs
03-24-2007, 01:27 AM
a duck walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says are you going to pay for that to which the duck replies :just put it on my bill

LBPete
03-24-2007, 01:31 AM
Two young woman are talking. The first one says I need to tell you something and want to be frank about it. The other one replies, no, let me be Frank.

- Pete

sleddogman
03-24-2007, 04:37 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was simply addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

mulester7
03-26-2007, 01:10 AM
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat jyet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks, "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff, no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee...

Fisherdude
03-26-2007, 08:06 AM
Sven and Olaf worked together at the women's garment factory all their lives. Hard times in the industry, the factory closes, and Sven and Olaf are unemployed. They have to go through the interview process to claim their unemployment.

"So, tell me what you did at the garment factory?"

Sven: "I vas a panty stitcher."

"Panty stitcher?"

Sven: "Ya, I stitched the vimmen's panties on da sewing machine."

"Well, that's unskilled labor, I'm afraid you only qualify for the minimum $100 a week."

"So, tell me what you did at the garment factory?"

Olaf: "I vas a diesel fitter."

"Oh, diesel fitter!! That's a highly skilled trade! You qualify for the maximum of $250 a week!"

Well, naturally Sven and Olaf are comparing notes later, and Sven is livid! He's so mad he storms back inside to talk to the unemployment counselor, demanding to know why they got such different amounts...

Sven: "What do you mean giving us completely different amounts?? We worked together for 30 years!!".

"Sir, you need to understand, your jobs were very different. A panty stitcher only gets the minimum because it's unskilled. A diesel fitter, on the other hand, is a highly skilled job."

Sven: "Diesel fitter?? Diesel fitter??? Ve sat right next to each other. I stitched da panties, I hand dem to Olaf, he puts dem on his head and goes "Ya, dese'll fit her!!"

Sandy G
03-26-2007, 08:23 AM
Aww, chit !! <grin>

slow_jazz
03-27-2007, 09:56 AM
A husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

football65scotc
03-27-2007, 01:44 PM
A sweet grandmother phoned St. Joe Hospital. She timidly asked, is it possible to find out how a patient is doing? The operator said I will be glad to help what is the patients name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak voice said Norma Findley room 302.
The operator replied hold on while I check. After a few minutes the operator returned.
Oh, good news Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine and her blood work came back normal. Her doctor has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.
The grandmother said Thank You, I was so worried. God bless you for the good news. The operator replied is Norma your Daughter?
The Grqandmother replied NO, I'm Norma in room 302. No one tells me shit.

LBPete
03-28-2007, 12:41 PM
An animal rights inspector is asking farmers to see their animals. He walks up the to the farmer and says I’d like to speak with your chickens. The farmer already thinking this guy is nuts points him to the coop.

A little while later he comes back and says the to the farmer the chickens are a little disturbed by some holes in the wire. They are concerned that a coyote might get in. They are asking that you fix the fence. The farmer looks over and sure enough, there is a hole in the coop that he didn’t notice.

The guy asks to speak with the cows. He returns a little while later and says the cows tell me that your hands are very cold when you milk them. It is very uncomfortable. They would like you to warm your hands in some warm water before touching them. The farmer says that it is cold in the morning and he will try to warm his hands a little.

Then the guy asks to speak with the sheep. The farmer looks at him and says you’re not going to believe those lying bastards are you?

- Pete

Donkey!
03-28-2007, 02:54 PM
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

I laughed my ass off for a 5 minutes on this one. :thmbsp:

sleddogman
03-28-2007, 11:21 PM
George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved...

Donkey!
03-29-2007, 12:35 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was simply addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice.
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

That's fucking great.

slow_jazz
03-29-2007, 02:09 PM
Golf quickies:

A GOOD WAY TO START THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

------------------------------------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man
hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young
man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron
standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her
hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."

---------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between
two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took
another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the
forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw
him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied,
"Got here in two, didn't I?"

-------------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was
standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are
your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?

simplynuts
03-29-2007, 11:38 PM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

Donkey!
03-30-2007, 12:30 AM
Oh shit. This is the best thread

sleddogman
03-30-2007, 02:00 AM
A two-fer...


Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

=+=+=+=+=+=+=

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car..."

Donkey!
03-30-2007, 11:52 AM
Umkay...

These first graders are in class.
And the teacher has an assignment, for the imagination.
She tells the kid to put something in his mouth ( A Hershey's kiss)
And asks him to imagine or guess what it is.

The kid says, I don't know, I need a hint.
The teacher says it's something your mother gives your dad before bead.

A voice cries out from the back of the class.

"Spit it out, spit it out, it's a piece of ass" :D

Markw
03-30-2007, 12:00 PM
Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

slow_jazz
03-30-2007, 01:27 PM
The Doctor Knowit Diet:

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.



--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain. Bottoms up!


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable.
It's the best feel-good food around! !


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
me.


--------------------------------------------------------------------






Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

gearhead
03-30-2007, 02:21 PM
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is
a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who
could use a lift.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior Citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my
family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice
to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for
your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95
and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Life is good.

Sincerely,
Edna

slow_jazz
03-30-2007, 02:32 PM
DATING IN 1957


It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids,"
with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

merrylander
04-01-2007, 07:43 AM
It was midnight in Ottawa and a mountie sees this man in what he thought was a nightshirt wandering around the grounds of Parliament holding up a lamp.

"Excuse me sir, but who are you and what are you doing?"

"I am Diogenes and I am looking for an honest man."


About a week later, at midnight in DC, a member of the palace guard sees
this same apparition wandering the Mall.

"Hey, who are you and what are you doing."

"I am Diogenes and I'm looking for my lamp."

slow_jazz
04-03-2007, 01:26 PM
WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a Sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes Off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging by, naked. I asked why? He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

SolderIron
04-03-2007, 02:31 PM
Two versions of reality

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class That in Spanish,
unlike English, Nouns are designated as either Masculine or feminine.
"House" For instance, Is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," However, Is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, The teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide, for themselves,
whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked To give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "computer" Should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), Because:

1. No one but their creator Understands their internal logic;

2. The native language They use to communicate With other computers
is Incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory For
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computador"), Because:

1. In order to do anything with them, You have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed To help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have gotten A better model.

sleddogman
04-03-2007, 08:19 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

So, life is going to shovel dirt on you... all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping and never giving up! Just shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ...

Enough of that stuff and back to our story. The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The wound from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. They buried him in the well.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you... :yes:

LBPete
04-03-2007, 10:18 PM
Sometimes you gotta love the targeted ads at the top of the page. Right now I’m seeing these ads:

Get My Wife Pregnant
Looking to get pregnant? Visit our Get Pregnant guide. GetPregnantdirectory.com

(I think most of us know the technique)

How to Love Your Spouse
Proven system. Guaranteed Results. Get free advice immediately. MarriageMax.com

(Again, I think most of us with spouses know the technique.)

Cheating Husband
Quality new and used items. Find cheating husband now!
Ebay.com

(must be a band)

Feminine Hygiene
Find the latest information on periods & Health. Visit Kotex now. Kotex.com

(might be funny to know the key words that brought this one up.


- Pete

pahtcenter77
04-04-2007, 09:56 AM
Sometimes you gotta love the targeted ads at the top of the page. Right now I’m seeing these ads:

Feminine Hygiene
Find the latest information on periods & Health. Visit Kotex now. Kotex.com

(might be funny to know the key words that brought this one up.
- Pete

Might be this..............................


Spit it out, spit it out, it's a piece of ass" :D

slow_jazz
04-04-2007, 12:11 PM
USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the governm ent, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marine Corps ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"

Doctordirt
04-04-2007, 12:46 PM
My wife's so ugly she can trick or treat over the phone!

mulester7
04-04-2007, 01:27 PM
Feminine Hygiene
Find the latest information on periods & Health. Visit Kotex now. Kotex.com

(might be funny to know the key words that brought this one up.


- Pete.....anyone heard of the new men's Masculine Hygiene product about to be on the retail shelves?....I can't remember the name of it :dunno: .....

SolderIron
04-04-2007, 02:58 PM
This is what happens when you are the last hold out.

Fisherdude
04-04-2007, 04:38 PM
They just settled and it's already been bulldozed.

sleddogman
04-04-2007, 10:07 PM
This is what happens when you are the last hold out.
LoL! I was going to say, you think the plumbing still works...?

Sandy G
04-04-2007, 10:23 PM
I don't get no respect, I tell ya...No respect...Why when I was a baby, I was breast-fed by my Father. My mother said she liked me as a friend. No respect... An' in school it wasn't any better..I had a tough school, tough school....In English class, the teacher asked what comes after a sentence..This one kid piped up & said, "You make an appeal...." Tough school, tough school. In Physics class, the teacher asked a kid to demonstrate the law of gravity. The kid threw him outta the window...Only school I know of, the student newspaper had an obituary column innit...This one girl I knew, boy was she UGLY. She was so ugly, she only kept the negatives of her school pictures....And Fat...Why, she was so fat, her shadow weighed 20 lbs....She walked thru the playground, she struck oil...She got on a scale, it said, "Hey ! One at a time !"...I mean, we're talkin' FAT here...

mulester7
04-05-2007, 12:26 AM
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is
standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting
for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little
boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a
mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she
shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down
there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand
away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get
bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up
believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while
her parents are out of town, she invites him over
for a little action. After an hour of making out and
grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could
go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she
says, pointing to her crotch.

"NOOO!!," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no
such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for
yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and
gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me
that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off
her panties, throws her legs behind her head and
says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE!!"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well,
after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not
surprised."

mulester7
04-05-2007, 12:39 AM
.....anyone heard of the new men's Masculine Hygiene product about to be on the retail shelves?....I can't remember the name of it :dunno: ..........I just remembered the name....Foul Balls....I guess they named it from that baseball term....ya' think?....huh?.....

pahtcenter77
04-05-2007, 08:20 PM
A recently divorced woman goes to the grocery store to do her weekly shopping. She notices how buff the teenage bag boy is, and as they exit the store, she looks at him and says, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy!" He looks at her, smiles, and says, "I'm sorry, lady, but you'll have to point it out, cause all them foreign cars look the same to me!"

pahtcenter77
04-05-2007, 08:24 PM
.....I just remembered the name....Foul Balls....I guess they named it from that baseball term....ya' think?....huh?.....

Wrong. It's called "Umpire" - for foul balls.:D

Ya know what's worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar? Coming home with Summer's Eve on your breath!

mulester7
04-05-2007, 08:51 PM
Wrong. It's called "Umpire" - for foul balls.:D

Ya know what's worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar? Coming home with Summer's Eve on your breath!.....that's it!!, Umpire, soon to be on the retail shelves....Pahtcenter, back in my wilder days about 40 years ago, I once told an old gal she needed to check and see if Massengill had an Industrial Strength line....needless to say, the evening and the relationship suddenly ended....that right hand was RURNT for two days....first time I ever ate popcorn left-handed.....

Doctordirt
04-05-2007, 08:56 PM
I was breast-fed by my grandmother -- that's why I buy my milk past it's expiration date

Doctordirt
04-05-2007, 08:58 PM
This is what happens when you are the last hold out.


Must have been a historical landmark :scratch2:

SolderIron
04-06-2007, 02:30 PM
What happens to the jpex that I enclosed? Ignore this entry everyone.

pahtcenter77
04-08-2007, 12:44 PM
Happy Easter.

Doctordirt
04-09-2007, 04:52 PM
An ugly man walks into the local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man, "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head!"

mulester7
04-10-2007, 10:26 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

mulester7
04-10-2007, 10:31 PM
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their
teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of
candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little
bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked,
Champagne?.
"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

70salesguy
04-10-2007, 10:31 PM
Attention to those of you with NO sense of humor : The following is a JOKE.

My girfriend talks so much she used up all her unlimited cell phone minutes. :D

Dusty Chalk
04-11-2007, 11:27 PM
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof" department store looking for a job.

The manger says, " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "just one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook, then I sold him larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automative department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot you should go fishin.'"

mulester7
04-12-2007, 02:01 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't
even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try, and call me in a week to
let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid,
just terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning
coffee and it took effect immediately. He jumped straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me
right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've
had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able
to show me face in Starbucks again!"

mulester7
04-12-2007, 02:09 AM
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history.....................

sleddogman
04-12-2007, 08:04 PM
God is strolling through the Garden of Eden one day and happens to notice Adam sitting alone under a tree.

He walks over and says, "Hello Adam. How are things going?"

Adam replies, "Very well, thank you Lord. That new companion you created, Eve, is truly a blessing. Now I have someone to talk to and I won't be lonely any more."

God looks around and says, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?"

"She's down taking a bath in the pond" replies Adam.

God's eyes open wide and He says, "Damn! Now I'll never get the smell out of those fish..."

mulester7
04-13-2007, 06:59 PM
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was
"Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped
up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He
made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird
died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his
given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned
to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged
him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

The moral of this story?

'Ya can't kill two birds with one stone.....

mulester7
04-13-2007, 09:00 PM
A cannibal was teaching his son how to hunt for food. As they hid in the jungle a fat woman walked by.
"Shall we eat her, dad?" asked the son.
"Nah, too much grease on her," said his father.
Next came a skinny woman.
"How about her?"
"Nah, too bony and not enough meat to make it worthwhile." said his paw.
Along came a voluptuous woman with huge knockers.
"What do you think about her", asked the young cannibal.
"Well", said his pappa, "I think we take her home and eat your mother!!"

Dusty Chalk
04-14-2007, 01:21 AM
Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One asked the other if anything tasted funny to him...

kcollins4
04-14-2007, 01:43 AM
The nurse at the old folks home went into Mr. Smith's room and found him sobbing. She asked Mr. Smith what the problem was, and he replied, "My private parts died!" The nurse, knowing Mr. Smith was senile, gave him a sedative and put him to bed.
The next day, the nurse spotted Mr. Smith walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pants. "Mr. Smith, what on earth are you doing?" she asked. Mr. Smith replied, "Remember yesterday I told you my private parts had died? Well, today's the viewing!"

gkwolfman
04-14-2007, 06:01 AM
The wife told me this one. In california, two blonds were talking. One asked the other, "which do you think is closer, the moon or florida". The other replied, "Duh, you dummy, you can see the moon from here, you cant see Florida". :scratch2:

pahtcenter77
04-14-2007, 10:04 AM
Second graders Johnny and Susie were walking home from school after having theit first sex education lecture. "The teacher said a man has a penis. What is that?", asks Susie. Johnny replies, "I'm not sure, but I'll ask my dad. He knows everthing!" When he asks his father at home, his dad stands up, unzips his fly, points, and says "This is a penis, and THIS is a PERFECT penis!"

The next morning on their way to school, Susie asks Johnny if he found out what a penis was. Johnny takes her out behind a tree, unzips his fly, points, and says, "This is a penis, and if it was four inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!"

eljr
04-15-2007, 01:57 AM
Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One asked the other if anything tasted funny to him...


:thumbsdn:


I expected more from you Dusty. ;)

eljr
04-15-2007, 09:09 AM
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof" department store looking for a job.

The manger says, " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "just one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook, then I sold him larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automative department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot you should go fishin.'"


:lmao: now that's what I expected!

Doctordirt
04-16-2007, 07:55 AM
Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

mulester7
04-16-2007, 06:57 PM
MEN

Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes--one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

pmsummer
04-16-2007, 07:03 PM
MEN

Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? <snip>
No wonder men are happier.

THAT'S a keeper!

pahtcenter77
04-16-2007, 07:18 PM
A sailor, on his first shore leave after being at sea for six months, tells his buddies he's never been to a wh*re house. They decide to fix him up. After his buddies pay, he picks a girl and they go off to a room. Having never been to one before, he's unsure of what to ask for. She suggests several different "styles", including a sixty-nine. He chooses this, thinking it sounds interesting. They disrobe and get into their respective positions. After a minute or so, she feels a small gas twinge and lets it slip. He hesitates for a bit, then resumes. She feels another gas bubble, and pops it off. He again hesitates, then once again resumes. She feels a third, and lets it go. The sailor stops, pushes her off, and starts to get dressed. She asks what's wrong, to which he replies, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't think I can take 66 more of those!"

gearhead
04-16-2007, 09:03 PM
These are genuine quotes of tenants complaining to the British
Council about problems with their rented flats:

1. "My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it."

2. "He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I
just can't take it anymore!"

3. "It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow."

4. "I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off."

5. "I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

6. "And, their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence!"

7. "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof, and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them
off."

8. "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant!"

9. "I requested permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

10. "50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50%
are just plain filthy."

11. "I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers."

12. "The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until
it's cleared."

13. "Will you please send a man to look at my water? It's a funny
color and not fit to drink."

14. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces."

15. "I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 6:00 a.m. his cock wakes me up, and it's now getting to be
too much for me to handle!"

16. "The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which
is unsightly and dangerous!"

17. "Our kitchen floor is always damp, and I am fearful my wife may
slip and fall. We have two children and would like a third, so
please send someone to do something about it."

18. "I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every night."

19. "Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife."

20. "This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke, and we
can't get Channel 2 on our television."

mulester7
04-16-2007, 10:06 PM
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.

They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th. Century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses.

They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.

All is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering FAAAAART and the smell was excruciating. Both Bush and The Queen had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.


The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my apologies. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."


George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses!"

mulester7
04-17-2007, 05:52 PM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00
Fried Explorer: $ 15.00
Baked Democrat: $ 20.00
Grilled Republican: $ 100.00


The cannibal called the waiter and the cook over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Republican?”

The cook replied, “you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap it takes all morning just to get them ready to par-boil.”

pahtcenter77
04-17-2007, 06:00 PM
They're so full of crap it takes all morning just to get them clean enough to par-boil.”
Oh, I get it!!!

When they do the same thing with the Democrat, there's nothing left to eat! That's why it's only $20.

That's pretty funny!!!:D

mulester7
04-17-2007, 06:12 PM
Oh, I get it!!!

When they do the same thing with the Democrat, there's nothing left to eat! That's why it's only $20.

That's pretty funny!!!:D.....Yes, that's it!....(somebody help this guy to the nurse's station)....(jk)......

pahtcenter77
04-17-2007, 06:30 PM
.....Yes, that's it!....(somebody help this guy to the nurse's station)....(jk)......
:lmao:

pahtcenter77
04-17-2007, 06:52 PM
The Pope is taking a shower and decides to relieve some of his sexual tensions. Just as he reaches his crescendo, there is a flash from a paparazzi's camera. The pope, thoroughly embarassed, convinces the photographer that such a photograph would do more harm than good, and agrees to "buy" the camera and film for $20,000.

As he is walking down the hall to destroy the evidence, the cleaning lady spots the camera and comments about the quality. The pope says, "Yes, it is nice. I just bought it." "How much?" she asks. Not wanting to tell a lie, he replies, "$20,000.00". "Boy!", she exclaims, "Somebody sure saw YOU coming!"

mulester7
04-18-2007, 02:30 PM
ASSOCIATED PRESS
SYNDICATION
APRIL 18, 2007-1634 hours------------------

INDUSTRY---BEAUTY CONTESTS-------------

SUBJECT---Miss Black America Contest------

---There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year. In the State Contest, none of the beautiful and talented young Ladies wanted to wear the evening-gown/swimsuit Banner that says, IDAHO.

----END---------------------------------------------------

sleddogman
04-18-2007, 10:22 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know , I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1957, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Yamaha B-2
04-19-2007, 03:50 PM
Strange Quotes - When Insults Had Class:

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"


Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

================================================== ==============================

Are They Male or Female?

Are They Male Or Female?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

mulester7
04-20-2007, 11:30 PM
.....during preseason training, a College Football Lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders....the coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his Large Star football player, "You are such a Big, Burley Guy"...."Why in the World did you marry such a tiny, petite woman"...."Son, she ain't hardly no bigger than Your Hand".....

....."That's right, Coach," said the lineman, "but she's much better!".....

mulester7
04-22-2007, 10:19 PM
A Tough Old Cowboy Counseled His Grandson That If He
Wanted To Live A Long Life, the Secret Was To Sprinkle A
Pinch Of Gun Powder On His Oatmeal Every Morning.
The Grandson Did This Religiously To The Age Of 103.

When He Died, He Left 14 Children, 30 Grandchildren, 45
Great-Grandchildren, 25 Great-Great-Grandchildren, And A
15 Foot Hole Where The Creamatorium Used To Be.....

Sandy G
05-01-2007, 03:47 PM
3 male dogs were traipsing down the street. Along comes this GORGEOUS female poodle. They fall all over themselves trying to impress her, but the Poodle just looks at them w/cool disdain. Finally, to get them to go away, she says, "If any of you 3 can use the words "Liver" & "Cheese" together in a coherent sentence, I'll go w/you."
The 1st dog, a Labrador says hopefully, "I like Liver 'n' I like Cheese !" The Poodle just glares at him, & goes, "That is AWFUL ! Shows NO imagination whatsoever ! Get outta here & leave me alone..."
So the 2nd dog, a Dobermann, says, "Well, I DON'T like Liver & I can't STAND Cheese !" The Poodle snarls, "That was even worse than that 1st mutt ! Goodbye !"
Then the 3rd dog, a tiny little Chihuahua, gets up there & says, " Cheese mine !! Liver alone !"
They're expecting the 1st litter in a couple weeks...

mulester7
05-02-2007, 01:30 PM
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and yelled, "Here's four weeks' pay", now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

rickr15
05-03-2007, 10:22 AM
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before but I really need your advise !
I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs...the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with the girls recently, although
when I ask their names she always says "just some friends from work,
you don't know any of them"
I always try to stay awake to watch her come home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife because deep down inside, I really don't want to know the
truth. Then last night, I made up my mind to check on her and
confront her when she came home. Around midnight, I decided to hide
in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she arrived home after a night out with "the
girls"

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed
that the graphite shaft in my driver had a hairline crack near the
club head.

Is this something that I can fix myself, or should I take it back to
the Pro Shop where I bought it ?

Thanks

LBPete
05-03-2007, 10:27 PM
Dear Abby
Who'd every have thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sit'n in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees.

Signed........Just Married

(with a tip of the hat to John Prine)

- Pete

pahtcenter77
05-04-2007, 09:49 AM
A somewhat obese lady is feeling ill, and makes an appointment to see her doctor. Upon entering the exam room, the doctor instructs her to undress and get on her hands and knees. He then tells her to crawl next to the door, then to the window, then to the opposite wall, and then by the water cooler. Afterwards, he tells her to get dressed.

"You have a cold", says the doc.
"What?" she asks.
"You have a cold. Take these pills", he replies.
"You mean to tell me that you had me undress, get on my hands and knees, and crawl all around your office just to tell me I have a cold?" she asks.
"No", he answers. "I knew you had a cold the minute you walked in. But, I'm getting a new leather couch this afternoon, and I wanted to see how it's gonna look in here."

mulester7
05-07-2007, 01:35 AM
....this is serious, Guys, I just got it by email from a friend and dealt with the problem quickly.....


BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE


This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along. Check your driver's
license - now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet,
including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was picture
and all!


Thanks, Homeland Security! Privacy, where is our right to it? I
definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same. Go to the
website and check it out.


Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After
your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove"... this will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.


http://www.license.shorturl.com/ <http://www.license.shorturl.com/>

mulester7
05-07-2007, 01:48 AM
.....check this out....two members of the Chinese Circus Ballet....breath-takingly beautiful....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5lN96dgt_Y

SolderIron
05-07-2007, 02:49 PM
Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Miles City, Montana goes off to college, but half
way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern ducation
is developing! They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will
teach our dog, Ole Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his dad says. "How do I get Old Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000 the young cowboy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to Read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Old Blue in that
program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly
arrives.

Our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' The father exclaims, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Sandy G
05-09-2007, 07:42 AM
Q: What do you call a Protestant who uses speed ?
A: A Crystal Methodist !!

SPL db
05-09-2007, 08:09 AM
A child's honesty...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playgroung, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!" :D

Scott

MitsuMan
05-10-2007, 10:00 AM
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and said, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock... "

Donkey!
05-10-2007, 10:42 AM
:lmao:

I should try that. :D

Sandy G
05-15-2007, 11:22 AM
A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-81. The cop asks the driver-"Got any I.D.?"
"'Bout what ?" says the driver.

Sandy G
05-15-2007, 11:30 AM
A guy in Knoxville has a flat tire. He pulls over to the side of the road, & proceeds to put a bouquet of flowers in front & in back of his car. Then he sits back down in it.
A passerby sees this this, gets curious, & goes over & asks the guy what his problem is. "I have a flat tire.", says the man.
"But why the flowers ?", asks the passerby.
"When you pull over, they tell you to put flares in front of yr car & flares in back...I never understood it neither...", said the man.

Sandy G
05-15-2007, 11:40 AM
Friend of mine owns this fancy restaurant in Kingsport. He got this bill from a restaurant supply company, but was confused about it, so he decided to ask this pretty waitress for some help. "Kristi, you just graduated from Vanderbilt, if I were to give you $20,000 less 15%, how much would you take off ?
"Everything but my earrings."
Gotta love them Vandy girls !

Army
05-16-2007, 06:54 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack,

or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to

the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

LBPete
05-19-2007, 01:26 AM
Two guys talking:

Hey, I found a great bar downtown. For $5 you get a sandwich, a beer and they take you into the back room and get you laid.

Is that right, a sandwich, beer and a lay for $5? When was the last time you were there?

Oh, I’ve never been there but my sister goes all the time.

- Pete

SolderIron
05-21-2007, 04:20 PM
If you are the judge

>
>A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
>custody of their children posed a problem.
>
> The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
>she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody
>of them.
>
> The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for
>his side of the story.
>
> After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
>replied:
>
> "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes
>out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
>

Celadon
05-22-2007, 09:13 AM
Little Tony

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many
will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I
like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the
top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked
the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your
thinking."

mulester7
05-22-2007, 05:37 PM
CALIFORNIA

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California, 156 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

mulester7
05-22-2007, 05:43 PM
GET THIS OUT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO USES QUARTERS!!!!

Hang on to any of the new Arkinsaw Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkinsaw quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices, thus making them unique.
The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkinsaw quarter, which was designed by the Governor of Arkinsaw and the Mayor of Little Rock. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

Yamaha B-2
05-23-2007, 02:22 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Nissan 350Z convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph. Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the roadster, looked at His watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

mulester7
05-30-2007, 01:55 PM
.....a pack of wolves chased two rabbits into a thicket....after a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and asked, "well, do you want to make a run for it, or stay here a few days and outnumber them?.....

SolderIron
06-02-2007, 12:45 AM
what someone had to do in order to go to heaven.

YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!

mulester7
06-04-2007, 08:32 PM
Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"Yes, it is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"What is it you want?"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"Yes, I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"Yes, he is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"Yes, he will"

rickr15
06-05-2007, 08:23 AM
AAADD- KNOW THE
SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!


____________________________________


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

___________________________________



Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:



I decide to water my garden.



As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.



As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.



I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.



I lay my car keys on the table,



put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.



So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.



But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.



My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.



I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.



The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.



As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.



I put the Coke on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.



I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.



I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.



I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.



So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.



Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day:



the car isn't washed



the bills aren't paid



there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter



the flowers don't have enough water,



there is still only 1 check in my check book,



I can't find the remote,



I can't find my glasses,



and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.



Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,

and I'm really tired.



I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....



Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don't remember who I've sent it to.



Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

pahtcenter77
06-05-2007, 09:38 AM
The Madame at a local wh*rehouse gets a knock on the door at 3AM, and opens the door to find an 87 year old drunk standing there.

"I want me a woman!" he shouts.

"Go home, you old drunk" she replies. "You've had it!"

"I have?" he asks. "Well, how much do I owe you?"

Aage
06-05-2007, 10:36 PM
Q: What do whales eat?

A; Fish and ships.

slow_jazz
06-06-2007, 12:34 PM
this is a good one and true...

Yamaha B-2
06-06-2007, 01:00 PM
Absolutely..........:yes:



A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

majorloser
06-08-2007, 02:06 PM
An elderly lady places an ad in the newspaper personal section:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

Markw
06-08-2007, 02:42 PM
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The trooper said “What the heck are these bugs flying around my head?”

The farmer says “Well, we call ‘em circle flies.” The trooper says “Circle flies? I’ve never heard of circle flies. What are they?”

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops, looks at the farmer and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "'Course, it's hard to fool them cirdle flies, though."
__________________
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.

mulester7
06-12-2007, 06:07 AM
.....Guys, there's a new medical crisis....doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms....they say they cause severe swelling....so what's the problem?.....

Gerrit
06-12-2007, 06:42 AM
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained,
his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half
empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading

a couple of minutes later he asked the priest,
"Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned",
the drunk muttered and returned to
reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said
turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the
Pope has it".

Gerrit
06-12-2007, 06:48 AM
The good the bad and the ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Gerrit
06-12-2007, 06:54 AM
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Get your Drunk ass off the merrygoround!!!!

Gerrit
06-12-2007, 07:18 AM
Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,

deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic

relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped

Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you

are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are The lowest

class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can

only walk sideways." Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away

into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came

from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster

Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side,

inconsolable...

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The

Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the

King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the

crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was

walking, not sideways............ but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS,

one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards

the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, Douglas the crab spoke.........................................

…………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………….

"Fuck, I'm pissed."

Gerrit
06-12-2007, 07:33 AM
Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard

gearhead
06-12-2007, 09:36 AM
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great!

gearhead
06-12-2007, 09:37 AM
Two fish are in a tank.
One turns and says to the other, "I'll man the cannon, you drive."

mulester7
06-12-2007, 04:32 PM
.....for our Canadian members.....

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Ontario
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by Ontario, in the weeks that followed, Quebec
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after,
headlines in the Que. newspapers read: "Quebec archaeologists have
found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than Ontario."

One week later, "The Telegram", a St. John's, Newfoundland
newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30
meters in tatey fields near Krinkle Kove, Jarge Krump, a self
taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Jarge has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Newfoundlanders
were already using wireless."

pmsummer
06-12-2007, 05:13 PM
A localized version.

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year on a bluff above Buffalo Bayou, scientists in Houston found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by Houston, in the weeks that followed,
scientists in Dallas dug to a depth of 20 meters on the site of John Neely Bryant’s trading post, and shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: "Dallas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than Houston."

One week later, The American Statesman, Austin‘s daily
Newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30
meters in a parking lot off of 6th Street, Joe Krump, a self
taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Krump has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Austinites
were already totally wireless."

Gerrit
06-13-2007, 06:04 AM
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."

Gerrit
06-13-2007, 06:53 AM
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Gerrit
06-13-2007, 06:59 AM
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Gerrit
06-13-2007, 07:30 AM
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

Gerrit
06-14-2007, 03:53 AM
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Yamaha B-2
06-14-2007, 04:32 PM
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.


" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

mulester7
06-14-2007, 11:37 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the World."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the World."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the World."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM now officially the smallest person in the World."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out in deep thought looking utterly confused and says, "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?

ekimetsok
06-15-2007, 07:21 AM
http://www.websmileys.com/sm/fingers/fing21.gif

Boonaroo
06-15-2007, 02:57 PM
mulester . . . you ain't lyin!!!!

Army
06-15-2007, 03:41 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg?! You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

Doctordirt
06-15-2007, 03:45 PM
mulester . . . you ain't lyin!!!!

Rosies face superimposed on Ron Jeremy's body. Perfect match!

KingBubba
06-15-2007, 04:44 PM
Ron Jeremy or John Beluchi?

SolderIron
06-25-2007, 02:31 PM
Heavenly wedding
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

pahtcenter77
06-25-2007, 03:15 PM
A man walks into a bar and spots a lady sitting alone smoking a cigarette. He approaches her and asks, "May I buy you a drink?". "No, thank you", she answers, "Alcohol is bad for my legs". "I'm sorry", he replies, "Does it make them swell?" "No", she says. "It makes them spread!"

Fisherdude
06-25-2007, 07:08 PM
Rosies face superimposed on Ron Jeremy's body. Perfect match!

I thought I recognized that body!

No, wait, nevermind...

sleddogman
06-25-2007, 09:09 PM
At one point during a U2 concert held in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience to be quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something . . . Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya asshole!"


Gotta love the Irish... :boink:

pahtcenter77
06-25-2007, 09:13 PM
At one point during a U2 concert held in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience to be quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something . . . Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya asshole!"


Gotta love the Irish... :boink:

I'm sure gald I'm Irish!!!:thmbsp:

mulester7
06-27-2007, 09:06 PM
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails
for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the
beach with the bucket to gather some. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to
the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful
woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering
the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her
place.

They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment.

He ran up the stairs to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and YELLED, "COME ON, GUYS...WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!"

ekimetsok
06-28-2007, 07:22 AM
A letter to Proctor & Gamble:

Dear Tide Co:
My name is Agnes and I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I'm in my 50s, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate & uncaring husband started to berate me about how stupid and clumsy I was, and in general started being a pain in the neck. One thing led to another & somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, & to my surprise & satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detective who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called & said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people, another wonderful product

rickr15
06-30-2007, 05:18 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one
foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it
on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here.. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want
a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled
with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks.."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?

mulester7
07-01-2007, 04:51 PM
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth with an axe lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

DENNYDOG
07-01-2007, 05:19 PM
A couple of canibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?".:D

Doctordirt
07-01-2007, 05:33 PM
A couple of canibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?".:D

Well, since you went there: Why couldn't Batman go fishin?
Cause robin ate all the worms

gearhead
07-01-2007, 06:12 PM
Ron Jeremy or John Beluchi?

Saddam Hussein

gearhead
07-01-2007, 06:15 PM
If Tarzan & Jane were Irish, what would Cheetah be?













Designated driver.

mulester7
07-06-2007, 03:34 PM
A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says, "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured we'd need all the room we can get if women are anything like kangaroos"......

SolderIron
07-06-2007, 03:41 PM
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she
needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license.
They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription

LBPete
07-10-2007, 01:42 AM
Two guys are talking about a co-worker. No matter what the situation is Larry always says it could be worse. So they dream up an outrageous story about another co-worker to test him.

Larry, did you hear about Fred? He went home at lunchtime today and caught his wife with another guy. He got so irate he shot both of them and then the kids. Isn’t that terrible?

Larry looks at them and says, Well, you know it could have been worse.

Oh come on Larry, he shot the kids. How could it have been worse?

Well, if he had come home at lunch yesterday, he would have shot me.

- Pete

BruceRPA
07-10-2007, 04:07 PM
Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap – except the oldie’s station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives you traffic reports. As you approach the 30’s, you will probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the “Scan” button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie’s station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for “adult” pop, rock and soul; will actually listen to a few oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It’s not that you’re old enough to listen to the oldies; it’s just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio – the “oldies” station started playing all of that darned “new” music”.

pmsummer
07-10-2007, 04:41 PM
Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap – except the oldie’s station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives you traffic reports. As you approach the 30’s, you will probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the “Scan” button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie’s station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for “adult” pop, rock and soul; will actually listen to a few oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It’s not that you’re old enough to listen to the oldies; it’s just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio – the “oldies” station started playing all of that darned “new” music”.

I'm waiting for the joke.

RichPA
07-10-2007, 04:43 PM
I'm waiting for my retirement checks.

mulester7
07-10-2007, 09:14 PM
Flight from London

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other
sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,
"I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine,
"I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs
picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other
Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the
Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

The Marine turned sideways, facing the Arabs,
and said in a gentle, but firm tone,

"Why does it have to be this way?"
"How long must this go on?, This fighting between our nations?"
"This hatred?, This animosity?, This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

(THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN)

Sandy G
07-10-2007, 10:05 PM
3 little pigs. Y'all know the drill, the ones w/the stick & straw houses get chased by the Big Bad Wolf to the one who has the Brick House. They're cowering in fear, but the Brick House Pig just grins & makes a phone call. Presently, a big long black Cadillac draws up, out come 2 pigs in pinstripe suits, & big fedoras. One proceeds to beat the living shit outta the wolf, the other one takes his .45, sticks it in the wolf's mouth, & blows his brains out. Next, they tie cinder blocks to the wolf's feet, & toss him in the river. End of Mr.Wolf. The other 2 little pigs are standing there pop-eyed, can't believe what they just saw. "Who was that ?!?" asks the Straw house pig. "Oh, those were my cousins, the Guinea Pigs", says the Brick House Pig...

sleddogman
07-11-2007, 08:37 PM
How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

Without forgetting to:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

At the same time, you must also:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

And finally...

54. Never-ever forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


In contrast...


How to make a man happy :

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Turn on the stereo
4. __________
5. __________

SolderIron
07-11-2007, 09:43 PM
Minor mod:
1. Show up naked, equipment in good order, clean without gunk is a plus
2. Bring food, extra points for eatable

ekimetsok
07-12-2007, 03:02 PM
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him

Bush asks him, "George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed.

Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

mulester7
07-12-2007, 03:13 PM
Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed that the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband but, when she got to her bedroom, she heard muffled noise inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No Way", said the blonde, "I almost got caught yesterday."

Fisherdude
07-12-2007, 03:27 PM
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the " Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular k il ling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and wea kest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Yamaha B-2
07-12-2007, 03:56 PM
All right!!! Let's have a beer. :beer::beer::beer:

LBPete
07-12-2007, 07:36 PM
That made me thirsty.

- Pete

cableguy
07-12-2007, 08:48 PM
A baby seal walks into a club.......:scratch2::D

mulester7
07-12-2007, 09:12 PM
A baby seal walks into a club.......:scratch2::D.....a dog limped into a bar and said, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"....

Sandy G
07-12-2007, 09:15 PM
I may have posted this one, but I'm too damn contrary to check...
Paris, 1940. The Nazi Supermen come to town. This Ayrian demigod, all 6'5",blonde-haired, blue-eyed, chisel-featues, spies this likely-looking French girl, pulls her into this alleyway, & proceeds to Go To Town on her...Strangely enuff, she doesn't resist. He does his duty to Der Fatherland, & as he's pulling up his trousers, he looks down at her, & sneers-"In 9 Months, you vill haff a Baby ! You vill call him "Adolf" !!" She just looks up at him, smiles sweetly, & coos, "In 2 weeks, you gonna have a Rash, Big Boy ! You can call it anything you like..."

Soundthought
07-12-2007, 10:42 PM
Pardon me if this is innapropriate, but it's a true story. :)



So I went in for an eye exam today......


Doc comes out into the waiting room and says, "John, you're going to have to quit masturbating, immediately."

I was completely stunned.


I said, "Why doc.....am I going to go blind?"




He said, "No..........but you're disturbing the other patients." :)

mulester7
07-13-2007, 03:11 PM
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President one morning about six months ago. He told Bush that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself enough to ask Rumsfeld,

"And just exactly how many is a brazillion?"