Joke of the day

[jdurbin1]

Um, sorry but that appears to miss on the #1 requirement for jokes - they have to actually be funny. That's just a feeble play on words, at best.


Getting back on track:

A man got into desperate trouble financially, and couldn't see any way out. He was sure that if nothing changed, he and his whole family were going to soon end up on the street with just the clothes on their back, no food and no hope of a better life.

So, that night before bed he got on his knees and prayed to God to help save him: "Dear Lord in heaven, please use your limitless powers to help me win the lottery so I can get back on my feet and make my family safe and happy again."

Next day, he watched the lottery results but there was no winner. Again, that night he prayed to God to save him and his family "If you just help us out by winning the lottery, I'll become a devout church member and dedicate my life to helping others."

Sure enough, once again he was disappointed - no winner, his name wasn't called. This went on for a number of weeks, and finally he was on the brink of complete failure.

That night he prayed again: "Dear God, I'm starting to lose faith... I've been praying to you every night for weeks now and nothing happens, nothing changes. I thought you were supposed to watch out over your flock, but I feel ignored. Why don't you help me?"

A large voice came from above: "Look pal, meet me halfway - buy a damn ticket already!"


John

 

[vinowino]

A crusty old Navy Chief found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal collage.

There was no shortage of young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Master Chief for conversation.
"Excuse me Master Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you've seen a lot of deployments."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of deployments."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Master Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you go. No wander you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955?" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Master Chief said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[thomo57]

A drunk walks into a wine tasting competition.
He props himself at the bar and starts to listen to them.
As they take their little sips, identifying the wine, growing region and date.

"Yes this is chateau briande grown on the west side of the valley, 1939"

"Cabernet Sauvignon Chateau La Tour grown in the lower valley on
Red soil 1915"

As the day rolled on the drunk has had enough, he urinates into a glass and staggers down and hands it to one of the contestants and asks him "what is this"

The contestant takes a sip, chokes and gags and spits it across the room
And yells "that's piss"
Yes yes l know that said the drunk now tell me how old l am

 

[usedto]

A salesman is driving across New Mexico when he stops at a tiny roadside bar for a cold one. While sitting at the bar drinking his beer, he spots a horse standing over in the corner with a big tub on the floor in front of him half full of $20 bills. "What's the deal with the horse?" he asks. The bartender replies, "It's pretty simple - cost you $20 to try and make the horse laugh. If you can do it, you get all the money in the tub." The guy finishes his beer, walks over, toss a $20 bill in the tub, then whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse immediately starts laughing. He collects all the cash, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a year later, his job takes him by the same bar, so once again he stops in for a beer. Sure enough, there's the horse standing in the corner with a tub filled with even more $20 bills than before. "What's the deal with the horse this time?" he asks. The bartender says, "This time you have to make the horse cry." The guy slams his beer down, walks over, tosses a $20 bill in the tub, grabs the horse by the reins and leads him out the back door. About two minutes later, the horse walks back in, crying his eyes out. The man grabs all the loot and heads for the door. The bartender stops him and says, Say, aren't you the same guy that made the horse laugh a year ago or so?" The man answers,"yes." The bartender cays, "After so many folks tried and failed, how did you get him to laugh like that?" "Simple," says the guy. "I just whispered in his ear that I had a bigger watchamacallit than he did." The bartender says, "OK, I get that - but how did you make him cry?" The guy smiles and says, "I took him out back and showed him."

 

[luvmusik]

Joke -

Q : 3 potatoes are standing on the street corner...how can you tell which one is the prostitute ?

A : the one wearing the T-shirt which says "Idaho" !

 

[luvmusik]

Way out west an old fella walks for many days to reach the nearest town & enters the bar. He says to the bartender "gimme a whisky", to which he is served and downs his drink. Then he says, "tell me, are there any women around these parts ?" The bartender replies, no, sorry, we haven't seen a woman here for about 10 years. The old-timer tips his hat, thanks the bartender & leaves, back on his journey home.

A year later, the old guy repeats the same long & grueling trip, arrives in town again saying to the bartender "gimme a whisky", is presented with the drink, downs it promptly, and again asks "tell me, are there any women around here ?" The bartender says, no, sorry we haven't had any women here for many years, but, for $20 you can have old Joe in the back ! The fellow raises his eyebrows, looks at the bartender & says, "No Thanks, I don't go for that kind of thing". He leaves the bar for his long days journey to walk back home.

The following year, the same routine repeats, a whisky down the hatch, same question again looking for a woman. The bartender replies, Gee, sorry old-timer, still not a woman seen in these parts now for years gone by. But, the offer still stands - you can have old Joe in the back for $20 !" The traveller scratches his gruffy beard, muttering to the bartender "Well, I don't go for that kind of thing." he goes to walk out, but then turns to say to the bartender..."about that offer with old Joe, tell me, who would end up knowing it happened ?"

The bartender says,...well,... I would know, certainly you would know, of course old Joe would know, and 2 other guys. The fellow asks "what 2 other guys ?" To which the bartender replies - the 2 guys holding old Joe down, because he doesn't go for that kind of thing either !

 

[MaxxVolume]

Q: Why is "dogstyle" the favorite sexual position for redneck couples ?

A: So they can both watch NASCAR while they screw....

 

[Descartridge]

Q: Why is "dogstyle" the favorite sexual position for redneck couples ?

A: So they can both watch NASCAR while they screw....

There is another version.
Did you know doggie style was invented in Canada?
That way, both can watch hockey.

 

[jdurbin1]

Yeah, and the Rangers just came from behind!

ba-da-boom!

John

 

[the skipper]

He had been born of very rich parents. He was sent to the best schools and had everything a boy could what.
...Almost

As he grew to manhood, he noticed that his eyes bugged out of his head, much like that little squeeze toy, and his voice was squeaky, as if he had been inhaling helium. Due to these afflictions, no girl would be seen with him. All this money and no one to share his life with. He vowed that if it was the last thing he did, he would find a cure.

So, his loving parents embarked on the path to cure their son.

They went from doctor to doctor to doctor, each of who would each prescribe expensive medications and treatments. After a period of time and with lots of money spent with no results to show, they would recommend yet another specialist. Eventually, the parents died and the boy continued his quest for a normal life without the.

This cycle repeated itself so many time s that he was now nearing 45 and he were nearly out of money. … And he still had bug eyes and a squeaky voice.

Finally, one doctor said he knew a surgical procedure that would cure him but it was not without a dear price to pay. He would lose most of his manhood and his inheritance. Like I said, it was VERY expensive. He figured that since he never had a woman anyway, a half a loaf was better than none.

He went for it. It worked!

Now, he was almost broke and only has a stump left but he is now a pretty good looking dude with a deep, resonating voice. He decided to take whatever money the family had left (his parents had died by now) and get a spiffy new suit. Now that he looked normal, he wanted to look his best in the hopes of landing a mate.

So, he goes to the most expensive tailor he can find. It turns out that the suit will cost him exactly what he has left. He’ll be broke but what the heck, at least he can finally have a chance to be with a woman.

The tailor walks around him, making comments….


Tailor : “Hmmm….. shoulders… 43 inches.”
Guy : “Right!”

Tailor : “Sleeves… 32 inches”
Guy : “Right again.”

Tailor : “Of course. That’s why I get the big money. Waist… 40”
Guy : “Yep. Damn!”

Tailor : “Inseam… 34 inches”
Guy : …. <simply stares with mouth open.>

Tailor : “…and you tuck right and wear size 38 jockey shorts.”

Guy : “AHA! I got you there. I’ve always worn size 36 jockeys. You aren’t as good as you think”

The tailor shrugs his shoulders and says “Whatever you want, but your eyes will bug out and you’ll talk funny”

 

[MaxxVolume]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, Publix, B.J.'s, or Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Oct. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Nov. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).

 

[luvmusik]

So, a Lady goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for a bird but only wants a bird that can really sing very well.

The owner says he has the perfect bird for her & while he brings out a covered cage she hears this remarkable bird singing like an angel inside. Right away she says "I'll take it".

The owner unveils the cover & says there is something important to tell her about the bird before she leaves with it...that the poor bird has no legs. She is saddened but enamored with it's singing and says she would like to buy the bird.

So, at home the bird is singing to it's heart content and the woman is very pleased. Days go by and she begins to grow in sadness for the bird not having any legs, and it even keeps falling off it's perch, so she has to keep propping the bird upright.

One day it is too much for her, so she brings the bird back to the shop. The owner of the shop asks what's wrong, you were so happy with the singing of this bird when you bought it. She acknowledges that, but says after a few days it was breaking her heart to see the bird in this physical condition with no legs, and it falling over all the time just increased her sadness.

The owner agrees to take the bird back, and says "but the bird sings well, which was what you really wanted". She says, I know, sorry, it sings majestically. He then says..."I gave you a bird that sings, do you want it to sing AND dance too ?" !!!

 

[luvmusik]

A geography teacher gives each of her very young students a word to use in a sentence in front of the class.

The 1st student gets the word "island" and he says - An island is a piece of land surrounded by water. The teacher says very good, calling up the next student.

That next student gets the word "peninsula" and she says - A peninsula is a piece of land that extends way out into the water. The teacher says very good, calling up the next student.

The little boy gets the word "isthmus" and he says - Teacher, I am so happy to get this word, isthmus be my lucky day !

 

[luvmusik]

So, a guy is born with this terrible ailment, where he has a hugh bolt thru his navel, with a nut holding it tight on his back.

He sees doctor after doctor as a child, in hopes of fixing his condition, and each doctor says it's just too dangerous to remove the bolt. After seeing countless doctors, he gives up & decides there is no cure.

Many years pass, and one day he is really depressed about this life-long condition. One of his friends bumps into him after not being in touch many years & says, you seem sad, what's up ? The fellow explains his ordeal about the bolt thru his belly-button secured with the nut.

The friend tells him he knows the perfect doctor to fix it, and the fellow says he's been to too many doctors already. The friend says, I can guarantee he'll fix it, this doctor is a miracle-worker ! So, in a last ditch effort, the fellow makes an appointment to see this doctor & tells his friend, I'll call you after the appointment.

He sees the doctor, who says, yes, that bolt will come out & I can make sure of it. The fellow says, really ? this is amazing, what will you do ? The doctor says, it's not what I'll do, it's what you'll do ! The fellow is perplexed and says how so ?

The doctor explains to the patient to go home & get a good nite's sleep. He says, while sleeping you will have a dream and see a big wrench in the dream. He continues - in your dream, reach up for the wrench, grab it, put the wrench behind your back and unscrew the nut. When you wake up, you'll see the bolt and nut are no longer thru your navel !

The guy looks at the doctor flabbergasted, assuming the practitioner is bonkers and leaves the office with mounting anger for the time and money wasted on this appointment. Right away at home he dials up his friend, explaining what happened in the office, proclaiming the doctor is off his rocker. His friend is sympathetic & in apology states everyone that sees this doctor gets the best results, and is confused himself at the treatment suggested. So, they hang up.

That nite, the fellow falls fast asleep & begins dreaming. Low & behold in his dream he sees a big wrench. In his dream he reaches up, grabs the wrench & puts it behind his back. He unscrews the nut from the bolt, stops dreaming & is slumbering in a deep sleep until morning.

That morning he wakes up, kinda recalling the bizarre dream & sequence of events with the doctor and pulls the sheets off himself. He looks down and the nut & bolt are no longer in his body ! The nut & bolt are lying next to him in the bed.

Completely ecstatic, the man jumps out of bed, and his ass falls off !!!

 

[BrianLW]

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!!..

 

[the skipper]

It was a dark and stormy night....

This guy was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. Without thinking about it the guy got in the car and closed the door, only to realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.

He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town.

Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story; hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.

About half an hour later two more soaking wet and exhausted guys walked into the same bar. Getting a look at the scared and trembling man who had arrived previously one said to the other, "Look - it's the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it!"

 

[the skipper]

A man comes upon a hot dog stand run by a buddhist.

He decidrs to havea little fun with him, smirks, and says "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor sort of scowels but he does make the man the hot dog as requested.

He says to the man "That'll be $2.50." The man gives him a five dollar bill and he vendor moves on to the next customer.

The man says. "Hey I gave you $5.00. You owe me $2.50 change. What gives?"

The vendor smiles and says "Change comes from within, my son."

 

[DEAFASABAT]

A DUFFER'S PARADISE

A vacationing couple in their early eighties are suddenly killed when the airliner in which they are flying crashes during a bad storm over the Midwest.

After a brief period of floating, bathed in a sphere of incredibly bright white light, they find themselves at the foot of the Pearly Gates. They sit down on a waiting bench, reflecting back on their long lives of worldly existence...recalling how upon retirement, the wife became heavily involved in health foods, exercise, & their diets, while the husband tearfully recalls his earthly passion for golf, playing a spirited round at every possible opportunity.

How he would miss his golf buddies, and the many long hours spent on the links.

Suddenly, they are startled by the fanfare of thousands of trumpets playing. The gates swing wide open, and an ancient but handsome & healthy looking man seems to simply glide on air through the opening.

He steps up and greets them with a very friendly "Hello, I'm St. Peter. Our records show that you both lived good, clean, righteous lives down on Earth. I am here to welcome you into theeternal kingdom. I will show you around Heaven while you find your way around, and help you in getting settled in and well oriented with your new home".

Upon passing through the gates, the husband is overwhelmed by what he sees. The view...nothing but perfectly groomed country club and challenging golf links stretching out in every direction, as far as the eye could see.

"Wow! This is fantastic! How much will a membership cost me?"

St. Peter replies: "My brother, you will pay not one cent. This is Heaven, and there is no charge for anything you may desire or have need of here".

They pile into a heavenly golf cart, driven by a beautiful Angel. After cruising about the luxurious course for an hour or so, St. Peter says "Now I will take you to your new residence here in the kingdom. I hope you find it suitable for your needs, and comfortable".

They round a curve, and before them is a beautiful new furnished condominium, sitting just above the 12th green.

"Wow! It's wonderful! But how much will our mortgage cost us?"

St. Peter: "There is no charge. This is Heaven. By the way, are you folks getting hungry?

We'll head on over to the clubhouse for brunch and light cocktails, if you are in the mood".

They drive back down the hill and through a nice wooded area, pulling up to the most imposing, spacious and posh Country Club member facilities one could even imagine. dozens, perhaps hundreds of acres in size.

The now thoroughly amazed duffer is flaberghasted by his good fortune!

He and his wife had, after all, died just hours before, and now it really WAS Heaven. And it was HIS kind of Heaven.

Inside the building stand row after endless row of tables, piled high with every sort of food. There is. Prime rib, steak, lobster, French cuisine, Italian pastas, exotic dishes and more, more, more...you name it, it was there for the picking.

The husband now gets very excited about all the delicious food all around him, grabs a tray and starts to pile it high with the delightful bounty. But...suddenly realizing that his wife is glaring at him, he experiences pangs of guilt. He stops to ask St. Peter "Oh, but where is the low-fat, low-cholesterol, sugar-free section?"

St. Peter shakes his head, smiles, and says "My brother, you must get used to being here in Heaven! You can eat whatever you desire, as much as you want, and it will not affect your health in any negative way whatsoever".

The man pauses, his mind immersed in deep thought.

He then turns to his wife, and says "Why, you #*^#* @ $^*# !

You and your #^%@^% bran muffins…

I could have made it here twenty years ago! Damn!

 

[SuperjazzyJa]

One Sunday the pastor told his congregation that the church needed extra money, and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little bit more to the collection. He said that the person who gave the most money would be able to select the next three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had placed a $1000 bill in the offering. He shared with the congregation his joy and told the people that he would personally like to thank that person and allow them at that moment to select the three hymns.
A quiet, saintly lady sitting in the back of the sanctuary quietly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, and she made her way slowly to the platform. He told her how thankful the church was and how she had given with such a gracious heart. Then he told her it was time for her to pick the hymns. Her eyes brightened as she turned from the pastor and looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building, and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

[Scifi]

Beating a dead horse or an ass being beaten.