Divorce

This is the worst week of my life. I thought just writing something down here might help me work through it a bit.

My highschool sweetheart and I have been together almost 22 years, since we were 18. As I was just about to put on the first record of the day at 3:30 Sunday afternoon, she said we need to talk, and told me she wants to split.

She says there's not anyone else, she just feels she wants more out of life than she feels I can offer her. I'm a fairly simple guy, I work, I fix stuff around the house, I tweak my system and that keeps me happy. Our favourite together time is taking the dog for a hike in the woods.

For the past few years she has been hanging out with new people she has met through her job. "Normal" for these people is several nice vacations a year, expensive restaurants a couple times a week, fancy homes, owning their own big/successful business etc. This had been worrying me for awhile, maybe it's just one factor, I dunno.

I have said I'd like to try counselling (my employer will even pay for it), but she doesn't seem to want to fix it.

I have never been in a position to truly understand how devastating this can be for people, lord do I get it now... I love my little house, I love my pets, and I still love my wife very much

Going through something like this without her to support me, or make me feel better is the worst despair I have ever felt. When I lost my father at 25, I had her, our place and my comfort zone to cling to until I got over it. With this I just have a few friends and family to talk to, but nothing from the most important person in my life, it's awful.

I've gone through 48 hours of not sleeping, sobbing and not being able to eat. The past two days I've felt stronger, and that maybe this is for the best, I'm still not sure.

The worst part is that I've felt something was wrong for over a year now, but I could never get her to talk to me about it. I think Facebook replaced me as her best friend long ago, and I just never knew it.

The annoying part is that I just got my system sounding it's best, now I'm worried I will end up in some crummy apartment, where I will never be able to enjoy a bit of volume.

Also, I've never dated as an adult. I have no idea how to even begin to think about that (although that's a consideration for loooong down the road).

Anyway, I thought venting might help. I know others have been through this and come out stronger, I have to think there is hope one way or the other that the future isn't going to be as cruel as the present.

thanks for reading

I'm wagering there will be a ton of support here for you, man. I'm in. I was hit with a divorce (after nine years) about eight years ago. We had two kids involved.

I left for Vegas for a job, the idea was to get back on our feet, then she would come out. Well, two weeks into the job, I get served divorce papers. She found someone else. Whoa, what a blow! Took the kids, all the stuff I had.

Long story short, I'm in a far better position now. New wife, new house, new town and, after lots of legal struggle, I have custody of my two daughters.

There is a plan for each of us, just keep that at the front of your thinking. There are a lot of ears here, and I'm sure many others who have/are going through a similar raw deal. Keep your chin up, brother!

Some people one day wake up realizing that they missed a lot in their life. It happens to both men (more often) and women. If urge is strong enough, they make a drastic change in their life. You can't really stop it. Just try to make divorce process quick and smooth. Start getting out much more,or even think about your own drastic change. Find some advetures that will take you to new places. Look if you can just relocate to another part of country or even abroad. You may find out that you missed a lot too. One thing - do not start drinking to aleviate the pain, you should have clean mind going through it. Good luck.

Wow Sleep...there aren't any words that come to me that I could say to make everything alright...and I wish there were because I can feel your pain. We have all been through times where normal daily things like eating and sleeping are impossible. I know I have gone through those times before.

The best I can do is to assure you that in time things WILL get better. In the meantime, if it feels good to unload on AK, then feel free to do so. The only thing you'll get from us AKers is total support...you can bet on it.

Please hang in there....

Sorry to hear of your situation. Would suggest counseling, but my marriage only lasted 4 years, so what do I know?
One of my older buddies (20 yrs older than me) suggested to me to put stuff in writing, which is what you are doing.
He also said in case of disagreement with a female, to write stuff down and leave it where she can find it when alone- never tried that, wish I had.

Trust me, it does get better. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt now though.

Once things settle down the healing process will begin.

But, I know what you're saying about her circle of friends.

My first wife started riding horses by renting one hourly at a stable in horsey country. At this stable were a bunch of divorced ladies living off of alimony. She worked her way in their social circle and started spending more and more time with them (and less with me and our friends). And, yes, I could see that no good could come of this.

Then, she wanted to buy a horse. All of her friends had sone. She wanted one, too.I told her we couldn't afford a horse. she didn't like that AT ALL! All of a sudden, I couldn't do anything right. Well, she found a way to get one though. Get divorced, get money from the sale of the house, and cash in all the inventments we had to split (with a hefty tax penalty on her part). Suddenly, she had two horses and no way to pay for them.

Oh, we were married for 20 years when we got divorced in 1996.

But, once the air clears you'll get on with your life and it will all work out. All things must pass.

One thing I learned during this time: Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't want you.

Very sorry to hear this. It is the worst thing to feel that you lose the closest support you have known.

One day at a time. From your post, I gather that your mind is taking you down the road of all the ramifications that this is going to have for years to come. That is normal but it is a lot to process at one time. Slow down and take one day at a time.

A suggestion that was given to me by a professional. Grab a piece of paper and write down anything and everything. Put it on paper. Write a letter to your wife that you may not ever give her. It's the process of writing that helps you work through it. At the same time, write about your own situation. Where you are today and where you would like to be vs where you may be. Write a plan of action. Something to refer to to help keep you on track each day. It will help take the feeling of floundering in the stream away and allow you to take the steps necessary. Seek help for yourself if your wife will not join you.

Come here anytime you need to let it out. This is a good community with a lot of supportive people. That's why we are here.

Good luck.

Howard

It took me a couple of years to gradually get over my second... sucked but life goes on and you just have to go with it. Easy to say...

I am going to offer different advice from the rest of the guys here, having been through two divorces. First off when a woman decides she wants out, it's like a switch being flipped with no looking back. She might see the error in her ways after some time but probably not likely. Also she might not be telling you the complete story.
At this critical time in your life you need to be very careful how you act and what you say, it can and will come back to bite you in court. Lawyer up, YESTERDAY!!!! She's got a jump on you, and might already have a attorney. Right now possessions and money might not seem important but they will! I can't say for certain in your particular state, this is what your attorney can advise you on, but do not move out. Possesion is 9/10th's the law type of thing on that. As everyone else has said life WILL GET BETTER, but for now you can expect about a year of hell. Remember, watch what you do or say.

Divorce is one of life's destructable family bane's! I am so sorry to hear about your situation & it is one that I am all too familiar with.

I got married very young (19), but I had a plan & the marriage lasted 13 years. Quite something special during that time, but like life's changes, some people just don't want to work things out & you can't raise grown people.

My ex, though we are great friends, even today & I pray if nothing else works out for the both of you that you can remain friends. She decided in her 30s that our life wasn't suitable anymore being together, so she chose to not be a good wife & left.

Marrying twice more after me, she is still in search for something, but I can't help her in that area of life. Hopefully with guidance & spiritual enlightenment she will.

If there is no way for the both of you to reconcile the marriage, then accept that & get ready to move on with your life's plans.

Also, I didn't see any mention of children & spouses often forget that their lives will be changed & altered, not for the better, in a lot of instances. Children love their parents & want to see them happy, when that is in jeopardy, their entire being is disrupted.

At that time, we had two kids & they were devestated, but I made sure as a father, they would always know I am there for them in anything they needed.

So, my prayer is that you have wisdom & peace during this trying time.

Rome

Dear Sleep:

I am very sorry for your pain. I agree with many of the previous suggestions: see a lawyer right away, one that specializes in divorce for MEN. Write/journal your pain. See a counselor on your own to help get a grip on all these changes. Another thought: When I attended grief classes after my husband died, there were people in the class grieving the loss of their marriage. Ask your friends, at church or call a hospice company to find grief classes. My classes were very structured - read a chapter in a book, write down some answers about your feelings. It was a 10 week path that was helpful.

Good luck and know we are here for you.

Sleep, don't look back, there is always someone else waiting just around the corner.

Been there, married 17 years the first go around, like you I was devasted. But in no time at all I met someone from work, we've now been together ten years and I couldn't be happier. She is so much more supportive of the things that interest me than my first wife.

Really, your about to be single, run with it.

eteller said:

I am going to offer different advice from the rest of the guys here, having been through two divorces. First off when a woman decides she wants out, it's like a switch being flipped with no looking back. She might see the error in her ways after some time but probably not likely. Also she might not be telling you the complete story.
At this critical time in your life you need to be very careful how you act and what you say, it can and will come back to bite you in court. Lawyer up, YESTERDAY!!!! She's got a jump on you, and might already have a attorney. Right now possessions and money might not seem important but they will! I can't say for certain in your particular state, this is what your attorney can advise you on, but do not move out. Possesion is 9/10th's the law type of thing on that. As everyone else has said life WILL GET BETTER, but for now you can expect about a year of hell. Remember, watch what you do or say.

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Pay close attention to this advice. I've never heard someone who is on the receiving end of a divorce say "you know, I think I was a little too brutal with all the legal aspects of my divorce". Typically, if one doesn't want the divorce they're more inclined to "play nice", influenced by the false hope that they can somehow save the marriage. No. I thought I was protective and aggressive in mine....I was one-fourth the dick I should've been.

Sleep said:

Going through something like this without her to support me, or make me feel better is the worst despair I have ever felt.

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You should seriously consider not putting yourself under these circumstances with anyone ever again. The process you're fixing to go through will harden you to this...it's a trial by fire but you will come out stronger with a greater sense of self-reliance. Do not compromise the gains you make....they will be hard earned. Your chance at life has not been taken away. Somewhere people are being informed they have a life threatening illness. That hasn't happened to you. Press on and find a new path. You're on your way to your own dedicated listening room...among other things. Welcome the opportunities that await rather than foster remorse over what's lost.

- Michael

eteller said:

I am going to offer different advice from the rest of the guys here, having been through two divorces. First off when a woman decides she wants out, it's like a switch being flipped with no looking back. She might see the error in her ways after some time but probably not likely. Also she might not be telling you the complete story.
At this critical time in your life you need to be very careful how you act and what you say, it can and will come back to bite you in court. Lawyer up, YESTERDAY!!!! She's got a jump on you, and might already have a attorney. Right now possessions and money might not seem important but they will! I can't say for certain in your particular state, this is what your attorney can advise you on, but do not move out. Possesion is 9/10th's the law type of thing on that. As everyone else has said life WILL GET BETTER, but for now you can expect about a year of hell. Remember, watch what you do or say.

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This is smart advise. I know you are hurting, I have been there too. But, you REALLY need to think about this advise from eteller.

tomlinmgt said:

Typically, if one doesn't want the divorce they're more inclined to "play nice", influenced by the false hope that they can somehow save the marriage.

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This is SO true, and it always ends in somebody getting screwed over badly in a way that can affect them for years after, even after the pain of the whole ordeal has left.

I can not stress enough the need to get to a lawyer. Just because you see a lawyer does not me you can't reconcile later IF she comes around. She has a jump start on this and the Facebook thing is a very bad sign. Keep your cards close to your chest and keep your mouth shut, just stay civil. The only one you need to be talking to is a GOOD attorney, all will have free consults at which you can learn a lot. Ask any women you know (that your wife does not) for the name of a good divorce atty, women always know the aggressive ones. Now is a good time to look at your assets, change passwords, etc. Never in a million years did I think two of the women I loved so much would steam roll over me so badly, but they did. Some of the bad stuff did not come out to much later, like the fact my first ex was cheating. You will not believe it now but it can get really nasty, TRUST US. The worst that can happen is your out the time of a free consult, not your house, bank account, pets, retirement, etc, etc.
A year from now it will be better to be a cynical SOB living in a house than a sobbing sap living in his car (if she don't get that too)

If your wife has any respect for the 20+ years that you spent together, she will heed my advice and go have her hormone levels checked. Given her age and the multitudes of crud in the food we eat, menopause and/or hormone imbalance may be a contributing factor.

I would hope she owes you that.

bentpencil said:

If your wife has any respect for the 20+ years that you spent together, she will heed my advice and go have her hormone levels checked. Given her age and the multitudes of crud in the food we eat, menopause and/or hormone imbalance may be a contributing factor.

I would hope she owes you that.

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I'd put my cards on selfish, insecure and lacking personal integrity. An unfortunate byproduct of the social media epidemic.

Sorry OP...I could be way off but I call it like I see it. These personality traits can lie dormant for years and one day find sufficient nourishment from social influences that they finally sprout and flourish.

Sleep I have been there and it sucks big time!

The first step is to file for legal separation. This will provide you with protection while you are still vulnerable to the responsibilities of community property law. Once you have filed for separation you will be protected from any debt, lean or liability that you future ex incurs.

Second step... talk to a lawyer. You may be able to do this amicably but just in case you can't, having legal council will keep you from being taken advantage of.

Third... It sucks now but it gets better. It really does. Keep you integrity in tact and remain the same decent person you are now and when it's all over you can take solace in the fact that you remained an honest and straight forward person, did not play any games or stoop to any levels. A man is only as good as his character, it's worth protecting.

Good luck, stay in touch with your support group (friends, family, church, whatever you have), stay strong and remember it gets better.

Nate