ToTo Man
NEVER ENOUGH TOTO!
It is paining me to type this message but I hope that doing so will aid the healing process. I feel completely empty at the moment, as if my purpose in life has been stripped from me.
Sadly, Max, our one and only beloved black Labrador, had to be put to sleep on Wednesday 7th January 2009. He had been battling severe arthritis and hip displasia for many years, but had to be rushed to hospital on Wednesday after severe sickness that would not stop. On the operating table, the vet found a tumor in his spleen and a second tumor in his stomach, the latter of which was inoperable.
We knew about his bone pains and did everything in our power to ensure his daily life was as comfortable as possible, but we had no idea about the cancer. We thought he was just getting progressively tired because of his stiffness and old age. On Wednesday, totally drained from the sickness, Max walked outside and collapsed beside the car, something that he never did. It was as if he knew his time had come and he was telling us that he wanted to go to the vets.
Since Wednesday I have been consumed with a multitude of emotions. Devastation at losing my best friend and soul mate, anger at the fact that nothing could be done to save him, and regret that if I’d have known Wednesday was going to be the last time I would see Max I would have spent more time with him at the vets and said a proper goodbye. We just didn’t know what was ahead at that time. But I take comfort from the fact that when I petted him before leaving him at the vets, his bushy tail was still wagging. It wagged every day from the very first day we got him over 12 years ago.
Thoughts keep entering my mind. Perhaps if we had kept an even closer eye on his health and had found the cancer earlier then maybe we could have treated it. But then again the illness may not have been treatable even back then and so this process would have been even more painful for us. Naturally there will always be “what if’s”, but we are trying to convince ourselves that we did the best we could by him. You feel extra responsible because in way, pets are helpless. They don’t know why something is wrong with them, and they can’t tell you when something is wrong until it’s too late. I can’t help but feel responsible.
This is what’s making it all so distressing. We loved and treated him as a member of the family, in fact we placed him at the centre of the family – I wouldn’t have had it any other way. To people without dogs or other animals I can compare it only to losing a child, because that’s what Max was to me. I cared for Max so much from the very first day I got him until his very last day on Wednesday, and now my world is empty.
I hope that over time I will come to appreciate that we could not be better blessed with the time we had with him. Max arrived into our lives as an 8-week old puppy when I was 10. He saw me make the transition from primary school to secondary school, then onto university, my university graduation in November, and finally this one last Christmas and New Year with the whole family present.
Recent newspaper articles have referred to me as being “brave” in overcoming my disability. I’m not brave, I’m just determined. Max was the brave one, soldiering through his bone pains for several years, and lastly battling through these tumors, hiding his illness until now to avoid shattering our world before Christmas. I really don’t know what I would have done if this had happened during my final studies and graduation. I honestly don’t think I could have coped with it.
Wednesday was the worst day of our lives, a day that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Time is a wonderful healer but we are still numb and heartbroken, and I don’t think this cloud will lift anytime soon. We will think about him everyday and a piece of us will always be missing.
Be forever in peace, my friend. You will never be forgotten......
Max “blackjack” Barclay
20th Sept 1996 – 7th January 2009
Sadly, Max, our one and only beloved black Labrador, had to be put to sleep on Wednesday 7th January 2009. He had been battling severe arthritis and hip displasia for many years, but had to be rushed to hospital on Wednesday after severe sickness that would not stop. On the operating table, the vet found a tumor in his spleen and a second tumor in his stomach, the latter of which was inoperable.
We knew about his bone pains and did everything in our power to ensure his daily life was as comfortable as possible, but we had no idea about the cancer. We thought he was just getting progressively tired because of his stiffness and old age. On Wednesday, totally drained from the sickness, Max walked outside and collapsed beside the car, something that he never did. It was as if he knew his time had come and he was telling us that he wanted to go to the vets.
Since Wednesday I have been consumed with a multitude of emotions. Devastation at losing my best friend and soul mate, anger at the fact that nothing could be done to save him, and regret that if I’d have known Wednesday was going to be the last time I would see Max I would have spent more time with him at the vets and said a proper goodbye. We just didn’t know what was ahead at that time. But I take comfort from the fact that when I petted him before leaving him at the vets, his bushy tail was still wagging. It wagged every day from the very first day we got him over 12 years ago.
Thoughts keep entering my mind. Perhaps if we had kept an even closer eye on his health and had found the cancer earlier then maybe we could have treated it. But then again the illness may not have been treatable even back then and so this process would have been even more painful for us. Naturally there will always be “what if’s”, but we are trying to convince ourselves that we did the best we could by him. You feel extra responsible because in way, pets are helpless. They don’t know why something is wrong with them, and they can’t tell you when something is wrong until it’s too late. I can’t help but feel responsible.
This is what’s making it all so distressing. We loved and treated him as a member of the family, in fact we placed him at the centre of the family – I wouldn’t have had it any other way. To people without dogs or other animals I can compare it only to losing a child, because that’s what Max was to me. I cared for Max so much from the very first day I got him until his very last day on Wednesday, and now my world is empty.
I hope that over time I will come to appreciate that we could not be better blessed with the time we had with him. Max arrived into our lives as an 8-week old puppy when I was 10. He saw me make the transition from primary school to secondary school, then onto university, my university graduation in November, and finally this one last Christmas and New Year with the whole family present.
Recent newspaper articles have referred to me as being “brave” in overcoming my disability. I’m not brave, I’m just determined. Max was the brave one, soldiering through his bone pains for several years, and lastly battling through these tumors, hiding his illness until now to avoid shattering our world before Christmas. I really don’t know what I would have done if this had happened during my final studies and graduation. I honestly don’t think I could have coped with it.
Wednesday was the worst day of our lives, a day that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Time is a wonderful healer but we are still numb and heartbroken, and I don’t think this cloud will lift anytime soon. We will think about him everyday and a piece of us will always be missing.
Be forever in peace, my friend. You will never be forgotten......
Max “blackjack” Barclay
20th Sept 1996 – 7th January 2009
